


There Are No Female Dwarrow Outside of the Mountain (and other oddities in the Dwarf species)

by yavin4



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo Baggins Saves the Day, Canon - Book & Movie Combination, Crack, Headcanon, Recreational Drug Use, Weird Biology
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25504174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yavin4/pseuds/yavin4
Summary: Bilbo was ashamed it took him so long to notice. The closer he looked, the more he saw, the more he was confused.But Gandalf was right; a Hobbit would save the day.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 11
Kudos: 88





	1. Notice 'him'

Bilbo was ashamed to say it took him nearly the entire trip to realize the glaring oddity in the Dwarrow's speech. He, a self-proclaimed scholar (of maps), had not noticed for months.

They only used masculine pronouns.

The Hobbit had thought the company was only being their rude selves when referring to the female Elves as such at Rivendell.

Even Gloin when talking lovingly of his wife had called the female 'he'. Bilbo had brushed it off as an accent.

But here in Laketown he finally caught on. When Bard had introduced them to his children, the dwarrow had called the girls 'child'. The boy had been 'boy'. Then Balin, wise, scholarly, exact Balin, had praised the eldest 'boy' for his bravery.

That's when Bilbo realized Thorin always called Fili and Kili's mother 'sibling'. Except for that one time in Thranduil's dungeon where he had said 'brother'.

The Dwarrow had no feminine pronouns or adjectives (other than mother and wife).

And Bilbo did not know what to do with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This silly little thing hit me and made me laugh. I hope I can help you laugh too.


	2. The taste of …

They made it to the mountain, chased away the dragon, rebuilt the gate, and started organizing the treasure. By then Bilbo was done. With everything. Especially Dwarves and cram.

So he pulled out his pipe, found a room with no windows, a door, and a pillow, stuffed the pipe with the special blend he had hidden inside a waterproof pouch inside his now buttonless and torn waistcoat, and lit the weed.

An hour later Bilbo was surrounded by a pleasant, aromatic haze (that may or may not have allowed him to taste the color yellow) not concerned in the slightest about the dwarrow's lack of word girls. It would be a great idea to stay safe here until Gandalf came. He probably had a wonderful blend courtesy of Radagast he could be forkmailed into blacking over. The brown wizard, there was a man who new of the finest thing in life: quietness, a pipe, and a special blend, a match, and pillow. Maybe, the burglar thought, I should go steel Thorin and help him relax. The man was so tense since he couldn't find the Arkenstone in Bilbo's pouch. 

The light from the Arkenstone rose in a wibbly-wobbly, six fingered man's hand (not the one that killed his father). The slimeyness of the tasteless rainbow had Bilbo throwing it across the room (he wanted the yellow back). In a flash he was grabbing the stone again. If he didn't hidey it in a stone, those meddling kids would give it as a chew toy to their dog. But they were good so fake hides were needed. Between the fourth and 40th, Biblo realized he was out of his no-crazy juice. He flopped, exhausted behind measure, to cut another plug. 

The door burst open in a flare of black and madness and fur. But Bolbi was faster, slamming the door. "Don't let out my precious." The protecting oak stick stopped long enough for Bilbbo to shove his pipe in its mouth and demand, "Suck it, bitch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of this was purposeful, some was my phone's keyboard. The rest won't be nearly as cracky.
> 
> I will be doing weekly updates.


	3. The Next Morning

Fili took the upper corridors. 

It had been nearly twelve hours since they had last seen their burglar and eight since their king had vanished as well. Thorin needed to know about the group of men and elves that had visited early that morning. Fili, however, was more worried about Bilbo and felt guilty for being so. A Dwarf was to worry about his family, his craft, his race. If it wasn't a Dwarf, it didn't matter (except orcs, goblins, and Greenwood elves. Those you hated). But the poor gentlehobbit had suffered much abuse for the company's sake on their journey. He was not known to skip a single meal much less two. That was before adding on his odd behavior since Smaug had been chased away. Of course they all were feeling odd after eleven days (he and Kili and Oin and Bofur having only six) being so close to dragon gold. But Bilbo…

What was that smell? 

Burning combined with the sharp ammonia-lemon of the black and white striped skunk. 

"Fili!" The prince turned to see Ori at the end of the hall. "We need to find the king quickly! The people are approaching the gate again."

"Then come help me. I can smell something but can't tell where it's coming from."

The two moved quickly in their search of the halls. Ori spotted the door first. Light, acidic smoke drifted from under it. Fili kicked it open. The two young Dwarves' eyes watered immediately and they began to cough. 

"Oh, Fili. You've ruined my baking. I shan't have anything good for tea today. Thorin, don't make me go out there. I won't adult today," Bilbo whined. Fili heard his uncle's laugh, an octave higher than it had been the night before. Was he…

"Fili, why must you bother us?"

"Uncle, a group of riders approach the gate. We need our king to stand before us."

The eldest of Drurin's line raised his head from where it rested on Bilbo's lap. He grunted and groaned and dry heaved as he stood, armor hanging loose. A hand reached down for Bilbo. The laughter when they nearly knocked each other over. The hobbit fussing at Thorin's hair. The blush on Uncle's cheeks. 

"Sweet Mahal, protect us from this foolishness." Ori grunted in confusion. Fili looked at him, worry clear on his face. "They've drugged themselves with something. We are in so much shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fili didn't get enough time in the book. JRR Tolkien missed a great opportunity.


	4. Deal With It

Gandalf knew something was wrong when Bilbo scrambled to sit on top of the wall and kicked his feet over the edge. Hobbits were safe creatures not prone to dangerous actions. Fili wrapping a rope around the hobbit's waist confirmed it.

The disguised wizard leaned over to whisper to Bard, "Watch out. Something's wrong with Bilbo."

"Ah, who are you that comes armed for war… to… to the gates of Thorin, that's me, son of... of, umm, oh, of Thrain, King under the Mountain?"

("Silly, that's Bard." "I know that. It's custom and king business.")

"Hail Thorin! Why do you block yourself in the mountain as if you were thieves? We are not yet foes, and we rejoice that you are alive. We came expecting to find you dead. Now there is matter for a parley."

"Of what would you parley?"

"By my hand was the dragon slain and your treasure delivered. Is that not a matter that concerns you? Moreover…"

Gandalf could see Thorin listing to lean against Bilbo as Bard continued. Bilbo put an arm around Thorin.

("That's my gold. They can't have any." "By the contract you only have one fourteenth." "Shazara.")

Bard finished his speech and waited. And waited. Was Thorin asleep?

"Do you not have an answer, oh king?"

("The thrush said to only deal with Bard.")

"Come to me on your own, Bowman. I will not deal with the greedy master of Esgaroth. Or with friends of the Elvenking. He threw me in jail you know. A dark, dirty thing. The gold in this mountain is mine. Those who don't deserve it won't get it."

Gandalf could feel his heart begin to drop. He had hoped the hobbit would be able to reach beyond the gold lust. 

("I have gold in here, too. We should really be fair about things, Thorin. Bad manners make bad neighbors. That's why I can't stand the Sackville-Baggins. Spoon thieves the lot of them. I can pay Bard for dealing with that nasty lizard." "Why would you do that?" "Because I'm nice and I don't really need that much gold. Hey! Hey, I'm an elf-friend! Does that mean you don't like me?" "Hush. You're special, Bilbo. And you're friends with Elrond. Completely different things." "I want you to be nice to Bard. I think he has meat and tea.")

Thorin twisted away from the hobbit. Eyes and mouth wide open in an un-kingly manner. "What? That's what you're concerned with? Never mind. I can't adult today or any day. You deal with them, Bilbo. Bard, you deal with Bilbo. I want more but Fili ruined the bake. Now we shan't have anything good for tea."

Gandalf, Bard, Thranduil, their entire army, and the dwarves watched (with some bit of horror) as the King under the Mountain turned the little hobbit and threw his head down on the other's lap. Thorin's words hit Gandalf between the eyes. That phrase, 'ruined the bake', was a term only used in the Shire when smoking the hobbit's special pipe weed. That means Bilbo had shared with Thorin (a thought to be looked at in depth later as hobbit's do not share their weed). Meanwhile, the wizard needed to hide his precious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who have only seen the movie, in the book the bird that shows the company were the secret door is, is the thrush referenced. He hears about Smaug's missing scale then goes tells Bard; because the rulers of Dale can understand small birds. He later comes back and tells the dwarves that everyone is coming and to not trust the master of Laketown. I was sad the little thrush lost so much importance in the movies. And they took out the ravens entirely. 
> 
> Bilbo becomes an Elf-friend on the return journey. Had to move it for plot. 
> 
> Read the book if you want Bard's full speech. It's kingly and complicated. I would sleep during it too.


	5. Just a Few Words

Fili was in awe. Bilbo exchanged a few more words with Bard then gathered the dwarrow into a line and led them from the mountain like a mother duck with his chicks. Thorin began moaning as they approached the gate. 

Bilbo grabbed his hand and said, "Stop that now. If you're worried about your treasure, take it off and drop it here. We're not leaving the mountain. Just having lunch outside in the courtyard. You're going to be just fine. I shan't leave you."

All the dwarrow took heart from the hobbit's words. They laid their treasure inside the door and stepped into the sun. Bard was already waiting for them to lower a ladder. 

Four of the company were sent back in to retrieve tables and chairs. Four others went in for eating and cooking utensils. Four worked to remove a few of the stones in the gate opening. Thorin laid (un)kingly like on a bench. Bilbo ceremonially slew a boar Bard provided, placed it on the dwarrow's spit, and lit the fire.

Thorin shared Bilbo's pipe as the meal was cooked and consumed by all involved. The dark haired son of Durin only took his head off the other's lap when the chef de partie stood to tend the meat.

With a few more words Bard was convinced to send men south even though it was so late in the season to trade with other cities of Men on behalf of the mountain kingdom in return for permission to winter inside Erebor's halls, aid rebuilding in the spring, and a promise for Dale to be the center for all Dwarvish trading for at least the next 25 years. Thranduil was promised a speedy return of his white gems (with interest - otherwise known as a few of the remaining bottles of alcohol in the mountain), when things were calmer and there was time and people to search, in exchange for aid should the goblins or white orc attack. A letter was sent by raven to Dain saying there would be peace but guards were needed. The ravens took another letter to Dis stating the Lonely Mountain had been taken, all alive. Mother was to prepare those who wished to come to leave in spring stopping by the Shire to pick up seeds. 

Fili was in awe (and maybe love). In less than six hours Bilbo, still drugged, had stopped Uncle from picking a fight, made one alliance, one peace treaty, prepared for war, planned for spring, and made a delicious roast pig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I forgot to upload the last two weeks. In my defense I've been job hunting. As a notice, I won't be uploading next week and possibly the week after. Once again, job hunting will be taking up my time. And I lost my copy of The Hobbit and only found it yesterday. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me.


	6. New Friends

Two days later Thranduil's son, Legolas, and the captain that had taken them to the dungeons, Tauriel, arrived in a rush. They brought news that Gunabad was empty. The non-combatants from Dale were quickly moved inside Erebor's halls.

Bard threw his eldest, Sigrid, at Bilbo and told them to take care of the inside, he would work with Dwalin and Thranduil on protecting the mountain. 

"Well," the hobbit sighed. "Your father lacks much in manners. You must have learned yours from your mother."

"Yes, Mother covered for many of Father flaws," the blond young woman agreed. "Shall we discuss plans over tea? I have a small bit of honey we can share."

"I believe you may be my favorite among Men." Bilbo smiled widely and led her to the rooms he had picked. 

"Oh, what a lovely view," Sigrid gushed as she moved to the windows. The room looked south across to Dale and the river. Bilbo set a kettle on to boil. 

"Thank you. Hobbits live underground but need to have sunlight. I have plans for a garden of flowers just outside. I need some grass under my feet. Thorin tells me this was once a greenhouse for herbs. It was one of only a few with all their windows still intact."

"Here," the other drew a small pouch from her bag. "These are a few herb seeds to start a new garden with."

Bilbo took the seeds reverently. "Sigrid, thank you so much. I am being the worst host. This is the second gift you've given me in such a short time. I shall offer you a return gift one day soon. I don't have much right now if you'll forgive me."

"Forgiven. If you knit, by any chance, my sister needs a new winter scarf." The two quietly sipped their sweetened tea and created a strong friendship. 

"Oh, if you know anyone who can crochet some doilies, I am in desperate need of a few."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Dwarrow this chapter. Just set up. Oh, and headcannon says every room in Erebor has a water pipe. It's cold and mostly meant for drinking as there's communal baths and laundry. Yes, the Dwarrow have laundromats.
> 
> Everyone needs a good friend. Thankfully the movies gave us Sigrid or Bilbo would be going bald.
> 
> I did find two part time jobs. One's super flexible and the other's a day to day contract. This week I worked four days doing a total 10.5 hrs each day. I'm tired but super glad to be working again.


	7. Then There's Being Dwarvish

Balin hummed in thought. His right hand scratched at his beard. His head nodded once up and twice sideways. He turned to pace across the room for the twelfth time. 

"Oh, for goodness sake!" Bilbo exclaimed as he threw his hands above his head. "If you don't want to tell me just say so! I have planning to finish with Sigrid and this is wasting my time."

Bilbo had changed from the hobbit he was five months ago. His padded waist was trimmer than it had been since that awful winter. His clothes were so poor looking he would be the laughing stock of the entire Shire (his feet hairs were washed and neatly trimmed, he had some standards). The only time he did not miss his home was when he had been with Thorin, smoking. His civility was full of more holes than the spiders he had killed with Sting. And his patience, his dear, sweet, remaining patience (for Dwarves (and cram)) had been burned completely by Smaug.

There was being secretive about the secrets of your race (Hobbits had a few) and there was being Dwarvish about your secrets. The hardest headed, most stubborn species on Arda were worse than cats. If you told them to do something, they would do nothing or the opposite. If you asked them something, they would take two weeks to answer. (Bilbo was being most unfair to his friend. He had barely been in Balin's room for an hour.)

"If you don't tell me what to do with the bodies I shall have them mass buried outside while we say Men's last rights over them."

"Come now, Bilbo. Calm down."

"No! I shan't. Give me an answer. I will not have those poor souls suffer any longer."

"Suffer? Do Hobbits believe the dead suffer if they are not buried?" Balin asked in sincere curiosity. 

"Confusticate and bebother you dwarves!" The irate hobbit stamped his foot. "I want an answer about how to treat the dead."

The white haired dwarf sighed. "They have been gone for so long I'm sure their spirits have already passed on to the Halls. But if you and the boy sincerely wish to offer last rights, this is what we should do..."

(Much later Bilbo returned to Balin and apologized for his lack of manners. Balin forgave him and they spent hours of their remaining years detailing each of their race's beliefs.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive Bilbo having a bad day. The next chapter explains why Bilbo. 
> 
> **  
> This chapter is inspired by a screen from "The Last Unicorn"
> 
> Mary - "Why won't you help me? Why must you always speak in riddles?"
> 
> Cat - "Because I be what I be. I would tell you what you want to know if I could mum, but I be a cat. And no cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer."
> 
> And that sums up Dwarves.


	8. Feel the Song of Remembrance

Tears were running openly down Kili's face. Bilbo sat down beside his young friend and offered a handkerchief and water. The archer allowed the burglar to clean his face before taking a sip of the drink. Kili leaned heavily against the hobbit before straightening and creating a noise Bilbo had never heard before they began gathering the bodies left in Erebor. 

Two days before, thirteen days after the death of the dragon, Kili had been leading Sigrid and him along a corridor to search for places for the Men to live in. That was when they saw a door at the base of a set of stairs partially opened. Inside they found a body, smaller than Tilda.

"Oh no. The poor dear," Sigrid began to cry. Bilbo knelt down to bow his head. Every limb on the little body was bent out of shape. The child had most likely fallen down the stairs and some soul moved them inside. The young woman removed her cloak and laid it over the small child. Kili stumbled over and carefully picked up the body. Bilbo and Sigrid ensured the cloak was tucked securely. Thorin's nephew walked as stately as any king to the public areas. On the way he began to sing. He wandered to an open room. After laying the body down, Kili created an unusual keening noise. 

(That was when Bilbo had gone to find Balin.)

The song the Dwarrow had sang in his home so many months ago had a low thrumming sound underneath the words that spoke of sorrow in their loss of home and things. This was similar. It had a high thrumming sound underneath the words Bilbo could not understand, a secret language of the dwarrow no doubt. But the hobbit could feel their meaning. The song cried with the pain of breaking hearts, the pain of missing the dead. In between the verses came a peculiar noise from Kili. Keening unlike anything else. It made the stones in the room whisper. 

In an unspoken rule, those of Bard's people who wished to offer their condolences did so from the doorway. After Balin's explanation on proper death etiquette, several took it upon themselves to paint the simple fabric they had in abundance to honor the dead. Those who found the dead, covered the body and retrieved one of the company to bring it to Kili's room.

Bilbo made plans to intern all the bodies found in Erebor in the room the company had located full of dead days ago. Hopefully there would be others like Kili in Dain's company. If there were, Bilbo had no doubt the entire mountain would sing and grieve with them.


	9. What Matters

In the end, it cost three hundred forty-one injuries and ninety deaths. 

Thorin took late to the field of battle with the flurry of a thousand hammer strikes. His father's axe and his grandmother's sword were the only things he took from the mountain. The shiny gold, the glittering gems, all the things made by the hands of mortals, stolen by dragon flame; these things, these ephemeral trinkets were nothing when weighed against what Bilbo had offered him.

Acceptance. The hobbit had looked at a prince with no polish, rough and rude for years spent among Men, and said I'll help you. He had grabbed his tiny sword in defense of a man, a boy, who fed his body with old failures, petty grievances, and cheap anger. He had run into a dragon's nest for a dwarf with a frame made of bone and covered with a veneer of false pride. He stood before a king mad with gold and said you're wrong, things aren't important, families are. All with an easy smile, ruffled curls, and a backbone made of mythril. 

Mahal had never promised an easy life. He promised a blessing to those that honored Him. He promised to gather them to His Halls in the end. He promised the line of Durin a helpmeet. 

Articles broken by anger could be fixed or replaced. Relationships broken by anger could not unless I'm sorrys were spoken.

Thorin, dwarf, had to find Bilbo and apologize. He had to beg the hobbit to forgive him the words he spoke in madness, jealousy, and greed. Things could be bought and sold. Bilbo was priceless. 

So Thorin took to the field of battle with a clear mind and heavy heart. His father's axe spun in the faint light pulling heads from the dark enemies. So many were found laying in the king's path that the simple axe was named the Eater of Eyes.

Thorin's grandmother's sword had once been named Graceful Dancer. It was renamed Dancing White Death after it slew the last two white orcs.

But Thorin did not care. 

He searched for his hobbit. The one who had helped his mountain, his family, him, more in the last two days than any had before. The one he needed to stay away from dark thoughts and desires. The one who had promised to not leave him. 

And when Yavanna's child could not be found, screams of ultimate suffering ripped across the field of the dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favorite chapter so far. I really, really wanted to write Bilbo and Thorin's confrontation but it just wouldn't go. This ended up better than my original plan.


	10. Great Miracle

"Ah, there you are, Bilbo," Gandalf entered the room deep inside the mountain. "Good afternoon."

"What do you mean?" Bilbo answered softly. There were deep shadows under his eyes and his smile was thin. "Do you wish me a good afternoon, or mean that it is a good afternoon whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this afternoon; or that…"

"All of them at once," the wizard interrupted him with a chuckle. The hobbit shook his curls. 

"I'm not in the mood for smoke rings this evening, Gandalf." Bilbo turned back to his friend. He used a cool rag to wipe the dwarf king's fever sweat away. His voice broke when he spoke next. "He's dying, wizard. He woke in a fever dream early this morning, not recognizing me at all. Thorin begged for someone to find me. Said he needed to tell me something most important."

Gandalf set a hand on his little friend's shoulder. "There is still hope, Bilbo. You must believe in that."

"Hope for healing is a spiderweb, Gandalf. Easily destroyed and tossed out with the dust. We need a miracle."

"Yet the stands of a web never break. Only what they are anchored to. You just need a new anchor. And a few hours of sleep. Men mad enough to make miracles are few and far between."

"He's right, Uncle Bilbo." The hobbit spun past the wizard to reach the prince's side. He set a hand lightly against the invalid's chest. 

"Do not move, Fili."

"I won't. Mother told us many stories of miracles." The blond dwarf's breathing rattled as he shuddered with pain. Bilbo grabbed the bottle the healers had filled with medicine. "The greatest miracle…"

"We got a miracle with Beorn popping up to knock you out of Azog's grip. Let's not go reaching too far." The practical hobbit missed the twinkle in the other's eye. 

"But the strongest miracle is True Love's Kiss. Easy to whip up and all. Just a little pucker…"

Bilbo shot straight up, eyes wide in shock. "I beg your pardon! I, um, well, ah. Drink your medicine, you unruly ruffian."

Gandalf chuckled as Bilbo covered his face. The room quieted down as the hobbit fed Fili some broth and the broken young dwarf fell back asleep. The wizard rose and dusted off his robes.

"I'll take my leave now. But one final thing."

"Yes, Gandalf?"

"You must believe, Bilbo. No matter what, you must believe."

Hours later with most of the mountain dreaming, Bilbo continued to keep vigil over his ailing friend. He contemplated the conversation he had with the wizard and Fili's addition. For all that the Hobbits had few fairy tales, being a down to earth race, thank you very much, they did have several with True Love's Kiss saving the day. But it was between lovers.

"Well. I may not be in love with you, but you are my dearest friend. I love you more than a brother. I want you to live, Thorin. I will hold you close to my heart all my days."

And with those words, Bilbo climbed on the bed and kissed the sleeping king's brow. Closing his eyes to catch a bit of rest, the hobbit missed the stress easing from the battered body, the breathing evening out, and the heart pumping stronger.

**Author's Note:**

> This silly little thing hit me and made me laugh. I hope I can help you laugh too.


End file.
